Apple's Chief Technology Angel, Steve Jobs was said to have retreated into the company’s Well of Purification when it became apparent that users of iPhones and iPod Touches may be using them to look at naked lady bumps. “Mr Jobs has retreated to the heart of Apple Core to consult with his acolytes,” said an Apple Evangelist. “He is believed to be using the very restful Pips of Ergonomicity app on his iPad Nano to assimilate the news. Then he will tell us what to think.” Mr Jobs, and devout Apple followers across the world, were shocked to learn recently that some applications on the Apple... [Click headline for more]

Speaking from his exile in 1720s Britain, François-Marie Arouet today spoke out as to the turn that human discourse has taken and said that he wants to set the record straight over his reputation being continually embroiled in support of other people’s arguments. “I am so often misquoted as having uttered the fine sentiment ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’,” said the writer known as Voltaire. “Even if I had said that, it is not justification for calling someone a ‘twat’ on an Internet forum.” Voltaire was taking a rare opportunity for an... [Click headline for more]

A new book published today chronicles the astonishing life of Herbert Billingsworth, 88. It is a story of good decisions, fortuitous coincidences and blind luck that has enabled Herbert to consistently cheat death and catastrophe. Reproduced here, exclusively, are a few extracts from Herbert's amazing tale of near misses in his memoir entitled “Only 3673 miles from death.”:- 11th September 1921 I was born in Preston in Lancashire on this day. The son of a Scottish merchant seaman and the Eskimo girl he won in a poker tournament in Newfoundland, I was brought up to understand the hard life... [Click headline for more]

In a move seen by many as an attempt to breathe life into a tired franchise, the Vatican today announced a reboot of the “Greatest Story Ever Told” with the introduction of new characters into the New Testament storyline. The new New Testament will include a retelling of some familiar stories to bring a new perspective to the popular, long-running myth. “We are keen to make religion relevant to as many people as possible,” said Pope Benedict during a specially convened press conference mass, yesterday. “We want to explore the early years of one of the lead characters. Pontius P, is a hip... [Click headline for more]

Internet giant Google yesterday unveiled the result of billions of dollars of research and development with the launch of Google Buzz, its foray into the social networking world currently dominated by Facebook and into the micro blogging world led by Twitter. “Google Buzz is a step change, they have all of the technology in their algorithm to pull the status updates that I really need together int …” said Twitter sensation @realpaulirwin in a tweet based interview. “That means the important task of getting a complete picture of the lunch choices of all my friends can be done easily and... [Click headline for more]

The United Nations was today considering the ramifications, on both the emergency situation in Haiti and the ongoing efforts towards a peaceful settlement in the middle east, that will be felt by news that a minor TV presenter had discovered how to use the text messaging function on his phone. “That Vernon Kay has sent text messages is not the major issue,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon at an emergency meeting of the Security Council. ”It is that he managed to arrange some of the letters to enable the pixels to spell what some might think are sexy words.” Many analysts believe that... [Click headline for more]

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts. “Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.” Mr... [Click headline for more]

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable. “We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the... [Click headline for more]

The government has announced the closure of the Swine Flu hotline so beloved of journalists and other layabouts. This comes less than two months after the Chief Medical Officer admitted that the Swine Flu outbreak may not have been quite as deadly as first feared. Figures indicate that 392 people have died from the mild flu, a figure slightly less than the 210 million September death-rate predicted for the small sea-side town of Formby alone. “It turns out that there may be one or two people still alive, somewhere,” said Medical Officer Sir Nigel Billingsworth. “Even so, this still... [Click headline for more]

Prejudice enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI has hit out at the UK's proposed laws aimed at inequality in the workplace saying that there is simply not enough prejudice to satisfy his lust for objectification and subjugation. “I know good prejudice when I see it, I am an expert with over 70 years experience in bigoted organisations ranging from the Hitler Youth to the Roman Catholic Church,” said the Pontiff. “The British legislation would mean the Church would have to consider non-Catholics, gays and even women as the equal of a blessed donkey.” Pope Benedict was providing his expert analysis of... [Click headline for more]

Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own. “I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.” Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the... [Click headline for more]

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Future undergraduates were today engaged in a further day’s practice to be whiny university students by continuing to complain that one of their A-level exams may have been more difficult than expected given the last several decades of record pass rates. “Dat Biology exam was like soo unfair. There was like q’s on it that I didn’t no no answers to or nofink, There was like nuthin off of de course on it,” said one complainant. “If dis one is so hard I’m real worried about ma English exam.” The complaints about the AQA Biology Unit 4 paper allege that the questions bore no resemblance to the... [Click headline for more]

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties. “There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in... [Click headline for more]

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible. “It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.” The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been... [Click headline for more]

A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era. 25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles,... [Click headline for more]

The United States Federal Bureau of Investigations was forced into an embarrassing admission regarding recently released images of Osama Bin Laden aged by a decade. Supposedly processed using sophisticated analytical techniques they had in fact been cut and pasted together from images found on the Internet, including one of a serving Spanish politician. Today the FBI has released further images in the same series in the hope that one of them will assist in the identification of the leader of Al Qaeda, who may be walking among us. [Click headline for more]

Edinburgh based architects RMJM have announced an ambitious plan to demonstrate to the world the strength of their designs by hiring failed banker Sir Fred “pisstake” Goodwin. Sir Fred rose to fame in 2008 when he successfully overturned established business practice by having neither any banking qualifications nor having to take responsibility for his company’s failed strategy. “RMJM is a leading architectural practice with a proven track record for innovative structures and spaces that will stand the test of time,” said spokesman Morrison McBillingsworth. “To prove this, we have hired a... [Click headline for more]

The face of American TV evangelist Pat Robertson has revealed publicly for the first time that it is the victim of a pact made by its owner, Pat Robertson, with the devil. “Something happened a long time ago in Virginia, and people might not want to talk about it,” said Pat Robertson's face whilst its owner was recovering from ingesting his own weight-loss shake made from the blood of living goats. “Religion on television was under the heel of the , uh, you know, considered and learned people, so Pat swore a pact to the devil, true story. And so the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And Pat was... [Click headline for more]

A Facebook group set-up to raise the profile of Islamic extremists was today celebrating its success as all news outlets continued to report extensively about the previously little known Islam4UK group who wish to bring Sharia Law and the joys of the middle-ages to Britain. “We are really pleased that we have been able to get them as much publicity as we have,” said Paul Billingsworth, the creator of the Facebook group that helped rally publicity for the Muslim extremists. “Our 800,000 members ensured that we got Islam4UK all over the newspapers and enabled the spread of hatred further and... [Click headline for more]

Expert research over the past week has revealed that the current snow chaos sweeping the land can be overcome with some ground breaking new approaches such as “wearing some boots and a scarf” and “walking a bit more slowly and carefully”. “I remember when I was a child we sometimes used to, how did you say it? ‘Go out in the snow’ – mad! But in the last few years whenever the early morning view from my window doesn’t look normal I just phone in to say I will work from home,” said snowplough driver Herbert Billingsworth. The media was quick to cast blame and analyse the implications for... [Click headline for more]

Sources within ITV revealed that the one time television maker plans to increase it's quality output with a new show whose aim is for one group of contestants to drive another player to commit suicide. “Embarrassment has always been a corner stone of Saturday night on ITV,” said the source. “Of course traditionally it has been the viewer embarrassed for Cheryl Cole struggling with English or the cringe-worthiness of Ant and Dec, whichever is which, fluffing their lines during their ad-libs. But now we want to take it to the next level.” Following on from ‘Take Me Out’ and its predecessor... [Click headline for more]

The Chinese government today launched a scathing attack on Britain's Human Rights record citing a list of persecutions and abuse of political prisoners, particularly those imprisoned in central London. “It is appalling that in the 21st century a country is able to treat people so harshly, especially when the victim has committed no crime other than have political views,” said Yin Birrings, the Politburo Under Secretary for Prisoner Re-education and China's leading Cattle-Prod Salesman. “The treatment meted out to Gordon Brown would never be allowed in the People's Republic.” The Chinese... [Click headline for more]

As the year comes to an end we all make a list of things we would like to change for the 12 months ahead. As regular followers - no you are not mere followers, you are lovers, devotees, and evangelists for Surreal Scoop – as dependants upon the wisdom of these pages know, movie deals, TV shows will all be on your list of things to arrange for me in the coming year. Write to your MP. Do it now, I will be here when you get back. Thank you, now let us proceed. As my prosperous 2010, filled with riches, fame and as much drugs as I can snort off Kylie Minogue's tits beckons, so my lonely,... [Click headline for more]

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine. “We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.” The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target... [Click headline for more]

A survey reveals that the average Internet user considers their time to be more valuable than an astronaut, a world leader or Simon Cowell based upon their tolerance of inconvenience. “If a website takes longer to load than I take to blink then it is wasting my time,” said Julian Billingsworth, an experienced web surfer. “My time is precious since I only have 8 hours a day to spend on the Internet.” Even the trivial problem of receiving free spam e-mail is enough to render an Internet surfer apoplectic with rage. “My Spam filter gets most of it, but occasionally I have to click on an... [Click headline for more]

Postmen across the UK are stepping up their demands that we do their jobs for them by popping “Sorry, I can't be arsed, wash my car for me.” cards through letterboxes up and down the country in their desire to free up as much time as possible to play snooker. “A few years ago a postman used to 'deliver' things like parcels, sometimes before you even got out of bed,” said leading work-dodging expert Jeff Billingsworth, reading from someone else's report. “Now they find it easier to deliver small bits of card asking you to do their jobs for them.” The practice started with the infamous “Sorry... [Click headline for more]

The Archbishop of Canterbury has accused the government of treating religious faith as an "eccentricity" practised by "oddities". “If it is eccentric to believe that I am being eternally watched by an immortal figure and to selectively adhere to the ideas contained within a two thousand year old book of uncertain provenance, then call me eccentric,” said the Archbishop in his elaborate flowing gown, gesticulating with his ornate crosier. “But it is The Most Reverend Father in God, eccentric, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan to... [Click headline for more]

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here!” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series. “Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider... [Click headline for more]

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs. “RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.” The world reacted in horror to the news that... [Click headline for more]

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump. “For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.” Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full... [Click headline for more]

The neighbours of a young goat found eaten to death by a Tyrannosaurus-Rex today blamed the Bedrock Police force for not responding to a complaint that the cave in which the tragedy took place was being used to breed clones of some of the most dangerous predators in Earth's history. “The goats are a lovely, close, family, and little Billy was a lovely little chap,” said one neighbour. “The Police were told that the cave was a predator breeding ground months ago, they should have done something because, on reflection, I don't think allowing young boisterous goats near aggressive beasts with... [Click headline for more]

The Football Association of Ireland has announced that an away draw is better than a win and asked FIFA for a place in the World Cup finals because, in Ireland at least, 33 teams can fit into 32 places. “Ireland is the victim here – always. Now what were you going to ask me?” said Patrick O'Billingsworth of the FAI. “Oh yes the Henry hand-ball. Yes victims. And anyway, won't the colour of South Africa 2010 be enriched by a load of drunken people in green shirts who have never actually been to Ireland? No, probably not.” The FAI said that the controversial plan will enable Ireland, and many... [Click headline for more]

Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster today petitioned the United Nations in the hope of getting their irrational fantasies protected from people who may say something rude about them, such as it is all a load of made-up nonsense. “Someone a few years ago printed very unfavourable images of the great Flying Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty, it was greatly offensive to His followers at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” said Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “His sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, is only to be represented as... [Click headline for more]

The Sun newspaper, famous throughout the known world for its journalistic integrity with hard-hitting daily news ensuring that the people of Britain are kept up to date with any change in the state of the breasts of 22 year old stunners, is today celebrating what feels like centuries of peddling shit. Everyday this week the Sun will re-print key editions wot it has printed. Monday – from 15/06/1215 “SOVEREIGN GIVES HIS SOVEREIGNTY AWAY AND YOU DON'T GET A SAY” Today King John threw away our God-given right to his divine rule by signing the Runnymede treaty without a referendum! This... [Click headline for more]

Britain is reeling from the revelation that ITV has paid Jordan £350k for her stint in “I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and will actually be in the jungle a week less than the other contestants. “I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.” ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit. “By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from... [Click headline for more]

Several female MPs have written to beg someone to do the difficult task of framing laws, and attending debates on transport and crime prevention since they are disinterested in the role if they can't have a second home to fill with cushions for doing it. “The expenses reforms will be mean that women MPs might have to get trains home, possibly as late as 11pm, like so-called 'normal' people. Some of whom may also be on the train!” explained Murial Billingsworth, MP for the London borough of Kilford on Sea. “Unlike other women we might get mugged or raped! Someone should do something to... [Click headline for more]

The world's greatest comic, the Daily Express, today launched a scathing attack on a competitor for what it describes as a “flagrant publishing of facts” about Diana, Princess of Wales in a newly released comic book. “The story of Diana is no place for facts and accuracy,” complained an editorial in the Express today. “This newly published comic about the life of Saint Diana of Wales tarnishes our carefully crafted memory of this otherworldly and saintly goddess, even though she was being ridden by an immigrant.” The comic “Female Force : Princess Diana” documents her life based on events... [Click headline for more]

The nation's leading newspapers, and The Sun, today revealed the results of a wide-ranging survey of one sample of handwriting. The graphology survey, the first of its kind to be published by those pretending to be journalists revealed that not only does the Prime Minister have bad hand-writing but that he is possibly the most evil man in history. “It is clear from the way that he wrote his 'i's, over 20 times, that he is an evil monster, worse than Hitler, Stalin or Simon Cowell,” said newspaper editor Rebekah Billingsworth, 13. “Not once did he put a little heart on the top to show his... [Click headline for more]

Following news that the Lisbon Treaty will now be ratified by all member states, David Cameron pledged his future to making further pledges but said that the days of a cast-iron pledge may now be unsustainable. “Two years ago, when there was little hope I would be in power, I made the people of Great Britain a cast-iron promise to hold a referendum on the EU Treaty,” explained Mr Cameron. “Soon I will be in position to take full accountability for that pledge, which is exactly why I won't. Instead I pledge to make future pledges.” Mr Cameron said that the Tory leadership would lead the way... [Click headline for more]

General Gordon Brown today rallied the troops of the British economy with a stirring battle cry certain to revitalise morale after the unexpected news that the British Expenditory Force had not seen a recovery in the nation’s fortune. “It is clear that, possibly, we can see that there may be indications of a shadow of a partial recovery by the end of this year,” thundered Gordon in one of history’s greatest leadership speeches. “Certainly early next year, if not perhaps shortly thereafter.” General Gordon was responding to recent news of the reversals in performance of our chief economic... [Click headline for more]

Studies have confirmed what many have suspected for some time, that everyone else is arrogant, rude, unprincipled and self absorbed. “We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.” Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled... [Click headline for more]

The board of Middlesbrough Football Club have expressed surprise at having to sack Gareth Southgate after the team’s 2-0 victory over Derby County. “To be honest we thought we had sacked him ages ago,” said Middlesbrough board member Steve Billingsworth. “I thought that we had just been winging it for a couple of seasons, but it turns out that he has been coming in everyday!” Middlesbrough, another North East club notable for an unshakeable belief in its own greatness, claims that it must be looking after longer term interests than just being one point off the lead of the... [Click headline for more]

The Communication Workers Union, which represents staff at the Royal Mail that are postal, has condemned plans by the Royal Mail to employ 30,000 temporary employees to deal with the back-log created by union members working even less than normal. “There is no way that these new temporary staff are going to gain the experience of a proper postie in just a few days,” said Bob Billingsworth of the CWU. “It takes years to be able to time your toilet breaks to work time only and to know the best skips on your route into which to dump mail. If all the proper posties are on strike, who is going to... [Click headline for more]

The ongoing story of the Daily Mail's death is not really shocking, it is just another pointless scandal sheet that is deservedly dying on it's arse. Through the recent travails and sad end of theLondonPaper, the Evening Standard becoming a free sheet and the Daily Express becoming a vehicle for Diana death porn, newspaper journalists know to expect the unexpected of their proprietors, who may be shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice and TV porn channels to promote. There are dozens of nameless journalists desperate to become household names and we aren't being ghoulish... [Click headline for more]