As retailers across the land attempt to convince us that they are reluctantly just satisfying the huge demand for Christmas sections in summer, a new survey has revealed the must-have new educational toys that will be available this year. “The results really are both interesting and unexpected,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth the famed behavioural scientist presenting the survey at a press conference today. “We asked lots of randomly selected, independent visitors to our website which gifts had the most educational value. Turns out that Ben 10 won by a long way.” The survey, which... [Click headline for more]

The 1st August 2010 marked a landmark moment in the progression towards a civilised world as the USA formed a bond with Iran and North Korea in their disinterest in banning cluster bombs. “The USA of A, I say America, has always been the shining city on the hill for the world to look up to,” said Senator Harry “Tex” Billingsworthski. “And today, by aligning ourselves with North Korea and Iran, we send a clear message to the world as to how we view our responsibilities to civilians at time of war. Well non-American ones anyway. I say kill them all, let God sort it out.” Today 30 countries... [Click headline for more]

Friends and relatives of Senator Robert “Tex” Menendez were said to be by his bedside as he recovered from the news that not everywhere in the world was in the United States. “I say I was powerful taken aback to discover that there are countries outside of the US, I say outside of the US,” said Tex Menendez, yesterday. “Our founding fathers must have invented other countries in 1776. May God bless them.” Senator Menendez was said to have spent the day studying his Globe of the USA after it was broken to him that not only was Scotland part of the United Kingdom it was not part of the United... [Click headline for more]

The British Prime Minister today insisted that his recent diplomatic tour was a triumph for his “new politics” and not the blunderings of a drunk toddler. “This is New History, that complements perfectly the New Politics and the New Mathematics that my government is championing,” said Mr Cameron on the final leg of his tour. “It is a decisive break from the past and so called facts.” Mr Cameron was responding to criticism of his recent comments regarding the role of Britain in 1940, the situation in Gaza and the propensity of jihadis to always seem to have been trained in... [Click headline for more]

Computer game salesman Wayne Rooney was today left reeling from the revelation that his dreams of World Cup stardom may exist only on the Playstation after once again being comprehensively outplayed by players of English Championship standard in South Africa. “We’ve had two hard games now and in each I’ve had to play against lower division opposition. The lad from Portsmouth had me in his pocket all night,” said Rooney following England being unable to score against the Sahara desert based country of Algeria. “It’s very frustrating, because no one ever boos me on FIFA 2010.” Wayne Rooney... [Click headline for more]

The team searching for Frank Lampard said that they were optimistic that some sightings in the Cape Town area may lead to re-uniting the lost Briton with his English team-mates. “Ve have haad a few sightings on a golf course in Sun City area of a boy that loooks like Frank, but he once again disappeared,” said Wikus van der Billingswerth of the South African Police Service. “Neither did he respond to his nickname, Fat Frank.” Frank travelled to South Africa from England with 23 other boys to play in a football tournament, however nothing had been seen of him since a photo opportunity with... [Click headline for more]

The new coalition government continued to outline its plans for the brand new era of change sweeping the country. Having revolutionised democracy by planning to ignore it, the next step is mathematics where centuries of tradition and fact based reasoning will be swept away to appease a power obsessed minority, who can’t count. “Just like our plan to reform the archaic voting system of Britain. No longer will the idea of getting more votes somehow be deemed to give you the right to be an MP and having more MPs is deemed good enough to make you a government,” said the Deputy Prime Minister... [Click headline for more]

It emerged last night that a man from Scotland, who had been asked his opinion on every matter known within Oceania for the last 3 years, had been stripped of his right to voice an opinion in a private conversation because a journalist had recorded it. “A 59 year old man from Scotland had expressed a private opinion about an oldspeak conversation with a 66 year old woman,” said Charrington Billingsworth Detective Inspector of the Ministry of Truth, speaking from his Fleet Street office. “Following the incident Mr Brown spent several hours of re-education in the studios of Radio 101.” The... [Click headline for more]

Following over a week of flight chaos caused by a huge cloud of ash from the erupting Eyjafjallajokull volcano there has been outrage at the settlement agreed with the enraged Icelandic resident, who many believe has held the European travelling public and airline industries to ransom. “Forcing airlines to stop flying until your demands are reached? It's been extortion, pure and simple,” said Duncan Billingsworth of the Unite union. “That's our trick. Although hats off to that cloud of ash, we only managed to ground British Airways, not all airlines.” The Volcano is believed to have been... [Click headline for more]

Pablo Billingsworth, 38, a retired IT consultant from the Northwest of England said that his new High Definition television had enabled him to really explore deep into a TV presenter’s very essence revealing detail previously unavailable to light entertainment viewers. “The picture clarity is just amazing, absolutely stunning,” said Mr Billingsworth. “You can see vivid colours, stunning movement and detail. And look, there you can actually see the waves of self loathing circling Paddy McGuinness’s soul when he presents ‘Take Me Out’.” Mr Billingsworth said that the past few months he had... [Click headline for more]

Apple's Chief Technology Angel, Steve Jobs was said to have retreated into the company’s Well of Purification when it became apparent that users of iPhones and iPod Touches may be using them to look at naked lady bumps. “Mr Jobs has retreated to the heart of Apple Core to consult with his acolytes,” said an Apple Evangelist. “He is believed to be using the very restful Pips of Ergonomicity app on his iPad Nano to assimilate the news. Then he will tell us what to think.” Mr Jobs, and devout Apple followers across the world, were shocked to learn recently that some applications on the Apple... [Click headline for more]

Speaking from his exile in 1720s Britain, François-Marie Arouet today spoke out as to the turn that human discourse has taken and said that he wants to set the record straight over his reputation being continually embroiled in support of other people’s arguments. “I am so often misquoted as having uttered the fine sentiment ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’,” said the writer known as Voltaire. “Even if I had said that, it is not justification for calling someone a ‘twat’ on an Internet forum.” Voltaire was taking a rare opportunity for an... [Click headline for more]

A new book published today chronicles the astonishing life of Herbert Billingsworth, 88. It is a story of good decisions, fortuitous coincidences and blind luck that has enabled Herbert to consistently cheat death and catastrophe. Reproduced here, exclusively, are a few extracts from Herbert's amazing tale of near misses in his memoir entitled “Only 3673 miles from death.”:- 11th September 1921 I was born in Preston in Lancashire on this day. The son of a Scottish merchant seaman and the Eskimo girl he won in a poker tournament in Newfoundland, I was brought up to understand the hard life... [Click headline for more]

In a move seen by many as an attempt to breathe life into a tired franchise, the Vatican today announced a reboot of the “Greatest Story Ever Told” with the introduction of new characters into the New Testament storyline. The new New Testament will include a retelling of some familiar stories to bring a new perspective to the popular, long-running myth. “We are keen to make religion relevant to as many people as possible,” said Pope Benedict during a specially convened press conference mass, yesterday. “We want to explore the early years of one of the lead characters. Pontius P, is a hip... [Click headline for more]

Internet giant Google yesterday unveiled the result of billions of dollars of research and development with the launch of Google Buzz, its foray into the social networking world currently dominated by Facebook and into the micro blogging world led by Twitter. “Google Buzz is a step change, they have all of the technology in their algorithm to pull the status updates that I really need together int …” said Twitter sensation @realpaulirwin in a tweet based interview. “That means the important task of getting a complete picture of the lunch choices of all my friends can be done easily and... [Click headline for more]

The United Nations was today considering the ramifications, on both the emergency situation in Haiti and the ongoing efforts towards a peaceful settlement in the middle east, that will be felt by news that a minor TV presenter had discovered how to use the text messaging function on his phone. “That Vernon Kay has sent text messages is not the major issue,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon at an emergency meeting of the Security Council. ”It is that he managed to arrange some of the letters to enable the pixels to spell what some might think are sexy words.” Many analysts believe that... [Click headline for more]

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts. “Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.” Mr... [Click headline for more]

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable. “We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the... [Click headline for more]

The government has announced the closure of the Swine Flu hotline so beloved of journalists and other layabouts. This comes less than two months after the Chief Medical Officer admitted that the Swine Flu outbreak may not have been quite as deadly as first feared. Figures indicate that 392 people have died from the mild flu, a figure slightly less than the 210 million September death-rate predicted for the small sea-side town of Formby alone. “It turns out that there may be one or two people still alive, somewhere,” said Medical Officer Sir Nigel Billingsworth. “Even so, this still... [Click headline for more]

Prejudice enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI has hit out at the UK's proposed laws aimed at inequality in the workplace saying that there is simply not enough prejudice to satisfy his lust for objectification and subjugation. “I know good prejudice when I see it, I am an expert with over 70 years experience in bigoted organisations ranging from the Hitler Youth to the Roman Catholic Church,” said the Pontiff. “The British legislation would mean the Church would have to consider non-Catholics, gays and even women as the equal of a blessed donkey.” Pope Benedict was providing his expert analysis of... [Click headline for more]

Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own. “I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.” Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the... [Click headline for more]

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Future undergraduates were today engaged in a further day’s practice to be whiny university students by continuing to complain that one of their A-level exams may have been more difficult than expected given the last several decades of record pass rates. “Dat Biology exam was like soo unfair. There was like q’s on it that I didn’t no no answers to or nofink, There was like nuthin off of de course on it,” said one complainant. “If dis one is so hard I’m real worried about ma English exam.” The complaints about the AQA Biology Unit 4 paper allege that the questions bore no resemblance to the... [Click headline for more]

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties. “There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in... [Click headline for more]

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible. “It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.” The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been... [Click headline for more]

A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era. 25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles,... [Click headline for more]

The United States Federal Bureau of Investigations was forced into an embarrassing admission regarding recently released images of Osama Bin Laden aged by a decade. Supposedly processed using sophisticated analytical techniques they had in fact been cut and pasted together from images found on the Internet, including one of a serving Spanish politician. Today the FBI has released further images in the same series in the hope that one of them will assist in the identification of the leader of Al Qaeda, who may be walking among us. [Click headline for more]

Edinburgh based architects RMJM have announced an ambitious plan to demonstrate to the world the strength of their designs by hiring failed banker Sir Fred “pisstake” Goodwin. Sir Fred rose to fame in 2008 when he successfully overturned established business practice by having neither any banking qualifications nor having to take responsibility for his company’s failed strategy. “RMJM is a leading architectural practice with a proven track record for innovative structures and spaces that will stand the test of time,” said spokesman Morrison McBillingsworth. “To prove this, we have hired a... [Click headline for more]

The face of American TV evangelist Pat Robertson has revealed publicly for the first time that it is the victim of a pact made by its owner, Pat Robertson, with the devil. “Something happened a long time ago in Virginia, and people might not want to talk about it,” said Pat Robertson's face whilst its owner was recovering from ingesting his own weight-loss shake made from the blood of living goats. “Religion on television was under the heel of the , uh, you know, considered and learned people, so Pat swore a pact to the devil, true story. And so the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And Pat was... [Click headline for more]